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palebythesea @ : they say you aught--
Why is it that December manages to disappear so quickly, every time? The holidays, of course play their part, but just like with everything else-- the concern is to race to the finish line so quickly that the tape marking your victory is on the ground before you realize the marathon is over. New Year's Eve, wham bam, thank you ma'am. Lather, rinse, repeat for 2010 (debating; "twenty-ten, or "two-oh-one-oh").
Strangely though, I feel like I've been living life in geologic time. The beginning of December is at least seven lifetimes ago. And don't even get me started on the rest of the year, epochs gone by. The reverberating message of the past six months has been "it's like you never left," as though thirteen months of my life, from June 2008 to July 2009 were a fugue, or a coma dream. Like an Alzheimer's patient, those memories of time past seem much more vivid than anything I can recollect over the last six which has been a blur of new experience and the muscle memory of going backward but forward in one's life. I did the one thing I shouldn't, and read back over what I had to say in 2009. A lot of depression (expected, it is Livejournal after all); a lot of struggle and conflict within myself.
But maybe that's what this has been all about. 2009 was a fragmented year. I fear this is why I don't bother to write much, as I'd easily be pegged with some split-personality disorder. Oh, the amount of entries I have quietly composed in my head but never committed to this text box. Even now, I'm torn over whether to hit "post" at the end here. This year, perhaps beyond all other years of my documented ennui, have I felt so estranged from myself. I don't know how to pinpoint the timing of the change within, or what that change even is exactly. But I feel that maybe I have finally hit my quarter-life crisis, upon which I'm so utterly lost about where I am and what I want, that I have also become ambivalent about who I am.
I am on a trajectory, though. One that will continue to propel me into the next decade, at least the early stages thereof. I just need to decide, be it by small and everyday gestures or sweeping dynamic actions, whether this path is the one I stay on and figure out how to patch the fragmentation of the past year. Or whether this new year is tabla rasa, and a complete deviation from the average. Indecisive as always, I'm sure it will take me well into the next several months to make my move.
I hope I will be here more often to let you know.
Strangely though, I feel like I've been living life in geologic time. The beginning of December is at least seven lifetimes ago. And don't even get me started on the rest of the year, epochs gone by. The reverberating message of the past six months has been "it's like you never left," as though thirteen months of my life, from June 2008 to July 2009 were a fugue, or a coma dream. Like an Alzheimer's patient, those memories of time past seem much more vivid than anything I can recollect over the last six which has been a blur of new experience and the muscle memory of going backward but forward in one's life. I did the one thing I shouldn't, and read back over what I had to say in 2009. A lot of depression (expected, it is Livejournal after all); a lot of struggle and conflict within myself.
But maybe that's what this has been all about. 2009 was a fragmented year. I fear this is why I don't bother to write much, as I'd easily be pegged with some split-personality disorder. Oh, the amount of entries I have quietly composed in my head but never committed to this text box. Even now, I'm torn over whether to hit "post" at the end here. This year, perhaps beyond all other years of my documented ennui, have I felt so estranged from myself. I don't know how to pinpoint the timing of the change within, or what that change even is exactly. But I feel that maybe I have finally hit my quarter-life crisis, upon which I'm so utterly lost about where I am and what I want, that I have also become ambivalent about who I am.
I am on a trajectory, though. One that will continue to propel me into the next decade, at least the early stages thereof. I just need to decide, be it by small and everyday gestures or sweeping dynamic actions, whether this path is the one I stay on and figure out how to patch the fragmentation of the past year. Or whether this new year is tabla rasa, and a complete deviation from the average. Indecisive as always, I'm sure it will take me well into the next several months to make my move.
I hope I will be here more often to let you know.